A consent violation is an occurrence where someone believes their consent was broken or a set boundary was crossed. Only the person who experienced harm within the event gets to decide if their consent was violated.
If you have experienced a consent violation, we have resources below that can help.
If you have been accused of a consent violation, or are responsible for harm, we also have resources that can help.
If you would like to speak to a consent advocate for trauma-informed peer support and a more tailored recommendation of resources, you can book a free session here.
Lastly, please note that most, but not all, of the resources below are directed to those living in the US.
If you have suggestions or resources to add to this page, please reach out.
If you have experienced a consent violation, we have resources below that can help.
If you have been accused of a consent violation, or are responsible for harm, we also have resources that can help.
If you would like to speak to a consent advocate for trauma-informed peer support and a more tailored recommendation of resources, you can book a free session here.
Lastly, please note that most, but not all, of the resources below are directed to those living in the US.
If you have suggestions or resources to add to this page, please reach out.
My Consent Has Been Violated - What Now?
First, it's important to recognize that no matter what, no one deserves to have their consent violated in any way.
If you've experienced harm, you deserve safety and support, not blame or shame.
In the immediate aftermath, we recommend getting to a safe place and/or calling for help.
Food, water, a warm blanket, breathing exercises, and/or movement like shaking or rocking may be helpful for moving through an acute trauma response (you may be experiencing physical symptoms and accompanying emotions like shock, numbness, anger, sadness, confusion, or something else entirely - trauma responses can present in a variety of ways).
Once you feel calmer and more grounded, consider reaching out to a consent advocate or to one of the resources below for help figuring out what to do next. Do keep in mind you don't have to do anything though - it's not ok for anyone to pressure you into taking action you don't fully consent to. Your only responsibility is to take care of yourself. We also have resources for long-term healing from trauma - because you shouldn't have to do it alone.
If you've experienced harm, you deserve safety and support, not blame or shame.
In the immediate aftermath, we recommend getting to a safe place and/or calling for help.
Food, water, a warm blanket, breathing exercises, and/or movement like shaking or rocking may be helpful for moving through an acute trauma response (you may be experiencing physical symptoms and accompanying emotions like shock, numbness, anger, sadness, confusion, or something else entirely - trauma responses can present in a variety of ways).
Once you feel calmer and more grounded, consider reaching out to a consent advocate or to one of the resources below for help figuring out what to do next. Do keep in mind you don't have to do anything though - it's not ok for anyone to pressure you into taking action you don't fully consent to. Your only responsibility is to take care of yourself. We also have resources for long-term healing from trauma - because you shouldn't have to do it alone.
Sexual Violence Resources (sexual abuse, assault, & harassment):
- RAINN: Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat
- StrongHearts Native Helpline: Call 1.844.7NATIVE (762-8483) or chat
- Me Too Movement Resources
- National Sexual Violence Resource Center
- King County Sexual Assault Resource Center - resources for all, services for those in King County, WA
- Hotlines for Survivors of Violence and Trauma
- Hot Peach Pages - International List of Sexual and Domestic Violence Agencies
- Was I Raped? Answers About Sexual Assault, Rape, and Consent - Greatist
- Sexual Harassment - RAINN
- Workplace Sexual Harassment - Women Against Abuse
Domestic Violence Resources (physical, emotional, verbal, financial, digital, and/or sexual abuse):
- National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Anti-Violence Project - focus on LGBTQ & HIV-affected communities
- The Network La Red - focus on LGBTQ, kinky, & polyamorous communities
Bullying and Harassment Resources:
- Right to Be
- Stop Bullying - US government site
Crisis Resources (if your life is in immediate danger, call 911 or emergency services):
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline - call 988 (for those in the United States only. English and Spanish speakers available)
- Find a Helpline - search tool for helplines all over the world
- Peer Mental Health Advocates - Project LETS
- How to Deal with Self-Harm - text HOME to 741741 to connect with a volunteer crisis counselor
- Never Use Alone - National Overdose Prevention Lifeline
- Substance Abuse Resources - National Rehab Hotline
- The Trevor Project - crisis counseling for LGBTQ youth
Resources for Healing from Trauma
Find Support and Learn More:
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Body-Based (Somatic) Healing: |
Other Resources:
- Self-Harm Initiative - mail your tools and receive a letter in return
- Assistance Dogs International - help finding a therapy dog
- EQUUSOMA Equine-Assisted Trauma Therapy - horse therapy
Articles:
- Strategies for Survivors - Philly Survivor Support Collective
- Trauma 101: The Basics of Trauma and Its Impact - Nellie Galindo, MSW, MSPH,
- The 6 Fs of Trauma Responses - Donna "Ara" Munier
- How to Feel Your Feelings and Why You Should Try - Aida Mandauley
Books:
- Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
- The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans
- Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence — from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror by Judith Herman
- Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines
- Writing Ourselves Whole: Using the Power of Your Own Creativity to Recover and Heal from Sexual Trauma by Jen Cross
I Have Been Accused of /
I am Responsible for
a Consent Violation - What Now?
Immediately after you have been accused or learned that you have caused harm, you may experience a stress or trauma response (physical symptoms and accompanying emotions like shock, numbness, anger, sadness, confusion, or something else entirely - stress and trauma responses can present in a variety of ways). You may want to immediately defend yourself, tell your side of the story, or point out what you identify as inaccuracies in the other party's version of events. We recommend that you not do any of that, and instead, if appropriate in the context, thank the person for telling you and ask for time and space to process this information. Then you may want some food, water, a warm blanket, to do some breathing exercises, and/or engage in movement like shaking or rocking - all things that may be helpful for moving through a stress or trauma response.
Once you feel calmer and more grounded, consider reaching out to a consent advocate or to one of the resources below for help figuring out what to do next. If you identify as a man, we highly recommend reaching out to our official accountability partner, Mischa Byruck at Evolve.Men. If you mention that you were referred to him through Consent Academy, you will receive a special free coaching session in addition to a typical discovery session.
Even though you may be feeling shame, you still deserve support processing your emotions and taking accountability if needed. Accountability is a skill that is learned, and there are many reasons why it can be difficult, but it is essential to healthy relationships with others and with ourselves. You can learn these skills, put them into practice, and grow from this experience.
Once you feel calmer and more grounded, consider reaching out to a consent advocate or to one of the resources below for help figuring out what to do next. If you identify as a man, we highly recommend reaching out to our official accountability partner, Mischa Byruck at Evolve.Men. If you mention that you were referred to him through Consent Academy, you will receive a special free coaching session in addition to a typical discovery session.
Even though you may be feeling shame, you still deserve support processing your emotions and taking accountability if needed. Accountability is a skill that is learned, and there are many reasons why it can be difficult, but it is essential to healthy relationships with others and with ourselves. You can learn these skills, put them into practice, and grow from this experience.
Find Support and Learn More:
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Articles:
- What Do You Do if Someone Says You Have Violated or Broken Their Consent? - Sar Surmick
- Taking the First Step: Suggestions to People Called Out for Abusive Behavior - Wispy Cockles
- 9 Ways to Be Accountable When You've Been Abusive - Kai Cheng Thom
- Dear Therapist: Is it Possible to Apologize for a Sexual Assault? - Lori Gottlieb
Books:
- The Consent Primer: Foundations for Everyday Life by the Consent Academy
- The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity and Love by bell hooks
- I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terence Real
Crisis Resources (if your life is in immediate danger, call 911 or emergency services):
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline - call 988 (for those in the United States only. English and Spanish speakers available)
- Find a Helpline - search tool for helplines all over the world
- Peer Mental Health Advocates - Project LETS
- How to Deal with Self-Harm - text HOME to 741741 to connect with a volunteer crisis counselor
- Never Use Alone - National Overdose Prevention Lifeline
- Substance Abuse Resources - National Rehab Hotline